Butterflies...

So there it is the "Butterfly Face" of Lupus. I've done well for a bit to makeup over it or to use filters to reduce it because the truth is that I hate answering questions about it. What's wrong with my face? Geez. It hurts. I'm not whatever my physical appearances are. I am such a good human that whatever is wrong isn't a representation of a quality human. Whatever it is won't affect that I'd break my back for complete strangers. I'll give the last thing I have to someone I don't know even if I owe people I love so much. So why does the face matter? Sigh... If only my pain had a look, you wouldn't ask because that would be quite obvious.

I texted with a good friend last night and felt a relief to talk about it. About me and my feelings. Pumping myself up to be strong as fuck and fight this. I came out feeling like He-Man knowing that I will give it all I have but I am not quite sure what that is or what I have left. But I am going out swinging.

When I had the stroke I was to be in there 6 months, back to work 6 months later in a wheelchair with special equipment that would help me do my job. A wheelchair. ME? Fuck that. I left on my own two feet and drove myself home. Within days I was climbing the 50+ steps to the Gateway Arch because whoever "you" are - "you" don't tell me what I will accomplish and how I will live. I run this life for better or worse and I've had my share of both but if there is one statement I could ever live up to it's that I did my whole life my way. The second I am not able to, I bow out. I will live in no chair, on no machine, with no assistive devices. I applaud people who do that. It isn't weak. It's actually brave but it isn't me. I am independent. When I fall I want no help. I won't get in the fat carts. I will crawl before that. It is difficult to walk especially briskly when I want to get in and out of a place quickly but I'm pushing a cart to stabilize myself. Nothing else. In public I'll sometimes hold onto Jen or Heather if I feel I'm weakish but I won't even tell them.

I'll end this post with the thought of both of them. I love Jen and Heather so much. They were the two faces I saw nearly every minute of my recovery that I remember. They are the two faces that are still there for me far much more than I could ever deserve. I'm sure I've been more than a burden. I'm sure I've been annoying and yet they haven't bailed on me. For that I'm forever grateful and I wish there were some way either of them could ever be repaid for the unconditional love and support I've felt. I'd move mountains if I could because they both deserve it. That's all I've got for today. ♥