Lupus and me

So I have many reasons to start a blog and keep it. Likely I'll be the only one who reads it but I'm okay with this since I need something tangible. So like my dear diary of sorts.
Since the stroke I've had memory issues and my recent health news just seems that I need a way to keep up with everything so here goes.

Last week I was diagnosed with Lupus and today I got more information. The lab results indicated I have elevated anti-chromatin antibodies. The "type" (?) of Lupus if that is such a thing is CLE so I'm off to Google that in a bit and I made an appointment with a rheumatologist. He is Dr. Esther in St Luke's Hospital building. I've had good treatment at St. Luke's previously. I believe my gall bladder was removed there and my uteral ablation was also completed there so I'm comfortable but to be honest, I trust my physicians even though this Lupus diagnosis hit me entirely by surprise.

That said I am super relieved to have any supporting information so that I know what my body is going through and why I feel the way I'm feeling. My appointment is July 16 at 2pm. I am nervous for sure but also excited and can't wait to have it behind me.

Getting the diagnosis was quite shocking but immediately when it was suspected, I was in full agreement that I had it. When Googling I saw a photo of the "butterfly face" of other people and it was an actual mirror of my face. After years and hundreds of dollars spent, I felt all sorts of emotions thinking that stuff for Roseacea just wasn't working. I even resorted to demeaning myself because - like could I even apply cream right?!? Nothing was working for me and the looks and comments from people was embarrassing for me. I felt like the elephant man or something. And to be honest I didn't buy it completely myself. Despite demeaning myself I definitely felt that my health wasn't making sense as just being "lifelong residual side effects from the stroke". Bullshit.

I've tried so hard and have fought with all that I have to come back from the stroke. I've done everything my body can physically handle to get better and I still feel 60% human. I hurt intensely daily. Hot baths (esp with LUSH♥) are an hour or so of the only true relief I feel besides at night when I take the medication equivalent of a coma.

I know so many humans have WAY worse problems than me. I don't now and have never wanted sympathy or pity. I just feel broken and exhausted in every way possible. Hopefully me getting this out for me to read over will help me.